The New Testicle IV: The Bobsel of Nohj, conclusion
Oh, god. Here’s the rest of this shit. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it.
So Bob Jr travelled to Lawson’s, and picked up some water. He took the water to the register, and the lady there said, “I am not she who is worthy to ring up this water, teacher. Take it…on the house.”
And Bob Jr gave her a hundred bucks and said, “Nothing’s free, babe.”
So, once his thirst was fulfilled, Bob Jr returned once more to Chevy Chase, and was approached by a congressman.
“My son is ill!” he said, and begged Bob Jr to heal his son.
So Bob Jr went and healed the congressman’s son. But, secretly, Bob Jr implanted a small device in the child’s mind. The child would grow to become president, at which point the word of BOB would be automatically preached to everyone in the world.
Now, on a great Hebo feast day, Bob Jr went into Bethesda. There he ventured to the National Naval Medical Center and cured the multitudes of sick. He then crossed the street and went into the National Institutes of Health and freed the animals imprisoned there, providing the angry scientists with artificial cures for the unknown ailments. And, so, the world saw of Bob Jr’s greatness.
But, because Bob Jr did such things on holidays, he was persecuted. Kinkmaster Kiaphas konstantly wrote disapproving editorials to The City Paper.
But Bob Jr simply said, “I can do nothing alone. I must have tons of people surrounding me…you know, secret service, assistants, women, all those things. Is that so wrong? Can I not be the king of kings and your messiah if I happen to be surrounded by government officials and won’t relate any of my drug-abusing past to you? I mean, really… So I slept with Veronica Weathers! So what!? I’m allowed to! I’m single. I mean, really. This abuse is just too much…”
And that, right there, was misquoted to the public – and, eventually, became Bob Jr’s downfall.
So Bob Jr said unto his apostles, “Witness my mighty Bobliness and remember. I am with BOB. Pass on this word. Tell everyone you see.”
Later that day, a vast crowd of people gathered together at The Mall, and Bob Jr stood up above them on a park bench. They were all the starving, insane, gibbering masses of the city. Bob Jr saw this, and asked his apostles to bring unto him a soda and a peanut butter sandwich. He then asked the apostles to hand out the items to everyone in the crowd. The apostles did not believe, but after they had handed the soda and the PB sandwich out to everyone in the crowd, they were stunned that it was more than enough! And, still, there was enough food left over to have another party in Arlington! It was spiffy as hell!
Bob Jr then went out on a boat with his apostles into the Chesapeake. And a great storm hit. The apostles feared and wetted themselves, but Bob Jr simply woke up and threatened the hell out of the sky. Well, for fear of having the blue whupped out of it, the skies calmed.
Bob Jr took a nap, muttering, “I solemnly assure you…” over and over like an old man.
And so Kinkmaster Kiaphas plotted and seethed, awaiting Bob Jr to skrew up. The weak points were all drawn out on the chalkboard. He put on his TeeVee Tunes tape and whacked off solemnly (I assure you) to the theme song of Dallas.
Finally, Bob Jr screwed up one final time. He took a few too many ‘shrooms one night, and uttered slurs against people who lose their car keys. The Hebo people were outraged!
Bob Jr, seeking peace of mind, went to a garden and picked all the red flowers. He planned to turn them into silk, and sew them into underwear. But it was at that time that his old English professor, with a multitude of guards and Kinkmaster Kiaphas himself, leapt onto the scene.
“Professor Mcdougal?!” Bob Jr called out.
“That’s right – and you still owe me a paper!”
Bob Jr, in a panic, began to run. But he was tackled by the guards and brought to his knees. Then they dragged him to Anus (K.Kiaphas’ dad), who questioned Bob Jr about his purpose. Bob Jr refused to talk without his lawyer, so they took Bob Jr to the Viking leader residing in the White House. The leader’s name was, simply, `Longship’, because of the size of his genitalia.
And so Longship, fondling his genitalia, said unto Bob Jr, “What is it?”
Bob Jr would not reply.
“Are you the son of BOB?” asked Longship.
“If you say so.”
“Alright, look here smartass! I want a straight fucking answer!”
Bob Jr raised a finger, “There is no need to curse. In the Kingdom of Bob Heavens (where there is polite sausage), those who curse will not receive the glory.”
“I don’t care about anything which has to do with your filthy BOB!”
Bob Jr replied, “Well, fuck you, then.”
Longship turned to the crowds, “I find no wrong with this jerk-off. Do you want me to release him unto you?”
“Nah!” replied the angry Hebos, “We’d rather have Manson released than this bastard.”
Longship turned to Bob Jr, “They really don’t like you, and neither do I.”
Bob Jr shrugged, “I don’t care. You all will pay for it dearly later on.”
Longship shuddered, “You know…I believe you…and it scares me…”
Yet Bob Jr was still taken unto the highway. For three days he was cast in front of Hondas and Subarus until, at 8:08am on Monday morning, he was killed by Mr. Wilhelm Brinkly, 5440 Sandavol Lane, Bethesda MD 20815.
It being a feast day, the body of Bob Jr was taken unto the funeral home and done up rather nicely. And so, scripture was completed. The son of BOB had died, and we were all saved.
A young woman who had followed Bob Jr through his teaching, went upon the funeral home early. There she found a man sitting in a plastic chair and contemplating a coffin. Written upon the coffin was, “Bob Jr, King of The Hebos…ha, ha…”. Yet it was empty.
The man smiled at the woman, “Woman, who is it that you cry for?”
And the woman answered, “For Bob Jr, savior and -”
“Oh…him. Well, uh…he’s -”
Suddenly the woman recognized the man, “Great teacher!” she screamed out, tearing off her clothes right there and molesting Bob Jr.
Later, the apostles (well, except for me; I was watching a Star Trek Marathon) gathered in the attic of a large building and prayed their worthless little hearts out. Bob Jr came upon them (he visited me right before “The Trouble With Tribbles” and we sat back and laughed for a while before he took all my beer and left) and said unto them, “Go forth and teach my word to the people. Create a massive new religion which will control, redirect, and maintain a hold on the Human spirit and will…and collect money in my name.
And so the apostles went forth unto the people, after being granted the Holy Vitamin C pill of BOB.
And I, Nohj, am the only one alive today. I, alone, have survived to make billions and become very successful with the women. I am the beloved. I was his favorite all along, so while everyone else got nailed up to something, I just sat around and got laid and high.
Ah well. I am the last witness; so it is that I pass this on through the generations to be reviewed. There are so many exciting and wonderful things which I decided not to write about, it’s quite impressive. In fact, I hardly touched on anything Bob Jr did. This whole thing was a bunch of fluff. Oh well… I guess that’s about it. I’ll check you all later, okay?