The New Testicle II: Kram 96, part two
What’s The Boble? Start with the Intro.
The Bobsel of Kram — part two. I opened this up and was horrified by the spelling errors… I must have had a stroke in 1996. I cleaned that shit up, but didn’t have the stamina to fix anything else.
The Baptism of Bob Jr
So Nohj returned to his wealth. In the convertible limo, as he returned to the desert, Nohj drank heavily while Origen filled him in on the severity of Bob Jr’s coolness. Nohj was warned that BJ could even make men wet, and women had no resistance to his charms at all. While all this was fine and dandy, Nohj had to remember to show an equal coolness in face of the gathered crowds. And crowds there were. Nohj saw them for miles around, standing by the old river where Nohj had first begun to make his fortune in the religious business. The faithful had returned, and they cheered their old leader as the limo came into view and skidded to a halt beside the ancient swimming hole. Nohj stepped out of the limo and took the microphone Origen handed to him. Nohj the fountainhead looked mighty and beautiful under the desert sun. His zebra-skin, ankle-length trench-coat looked like robes of state, and his leather and plastic business suit with the chest cut out was resplendent in the light. The buzzard feathers tucked into the old Panama hat waved in the light breeze as Nohj’s purple-reflective sunglasses reflected the crowd.
“My children!” Nohj shouted. “I return to you today to announce the birth of a new leader! I come here to speak of the great Bob Jr – ”
The ordinarily hushed crowd broke into uneven whispers -Bob Jr? What type of name was that?
“It is a name which means `Son of BOB’!” Nohj announced.
-Oh! That makes sense.
“I come here today to speak of this new master, this new…savior!”
A voice in the crowd spoke up, “What is it we need to be saved from?”
Nohj betrayed no disappointment. He spoke condescendingly to the speaker. “Not only from ourselves, brother. But we – ”
“The Vikings?” spoke a zealot from the rear. “But we’ve decided that we like the Vikings. Somewhat rambunctious, but thoroughly enjoyable.”
“No, he’s come to save us.” Nohj replied.
“I don’t like the Vikings!” a third voice called out. “They’re brutal. Let’s kick their asses!”
“And rape their women!” another shouted.
“And sail out to sea, loot the nearest coastline, dodge sea monsters, and raise Newfoundland dogs.” yet another voice shouted.
“Let’s do to them, what they did to us – ”
“Now, hold on,” the zealot said. “The Vikings may be brutal murderers and rapists, but they’ve brought us great scientific and medical reform. Before them, we didn’t have spears, or armored boats, or crossbows.”
“You’ve sold out, Longitudinus!” a women in the crowd shouted, “You used to be a rebel! But ever since you got that job at the factory, you’ve become worse than the Vikings!”
“Yeah!” a large man shouted out, “Like they say: `An English boss is bad enough, but an Irish boss is worse!'”
Nohj exchanged a quick glance with Origen, who shrugged helplessly.
“I think we should overthrow the Vikings,” a pretty redhead suggested, “and then establish our own government.”
“That’s too much work!” the man next to her complained, “Let’s just overthrow the Vikings and then go from there.”
“Right, that’s what I mean.” the redhead replied irritably.
“You don’t know what you mean,” the man said wearily.
The redhead stamped her foot, “You…you just don’t listen!”
“I don’t listen?” the man shouted back, “I’m always listening! What, do you have a point? Let’s hear the point. Come on!”
Nohj, Origen, and most of the crowd had been staring incredulously. Now, they began to follow the shouting match as they would a game of Tennis.
“I was just trying to say that I think that maybe you don’t listen because – ”
“The point!” the man shouting, “The point! Just tell me the point! Is the point that I don’t listen?”
“No, I have another point – ”
“What is it then?”
The redhead was steaming, “I just don’t want to say it now.”
“What?” the man pleaded.
“I’ll talk about it later. You won’t listen to me.”
The man stifled a scream before he turned and left the crowd. In the moment of awkward silence that followed, Nohj slowly lifted the microphone to his mouth.
“Folks,” he said, “can we get back to my speech?”
An embarrassed silence fell over the crowd.
“Thank you,” Nohj said sternly. “Now, here’s where we stand. The Son of BOB will come unto us, and we shall worship him. Then he will leave us and venture into the desert where he will cleanse himself, and pray for our forgiveness.”
“We’re already in the desert,” the redhead said sourly. She squinted uncomfortably up at the sky.
Despite himself, Nohj leaned over to Origen and asked his assistant to guide the redhead back to the mansion for a special baptismal later in the evening. In response, he spoke very politely to correct himself. “I meant that he would go deeper into the desert, you vision of peppermint goodness.”
The redhead giggled and Origen wearily rolled his eyes.
“So let’s confess our sins!” Nohj said. Origen thought he said it with an unnecessarily demonic voice, the redhead thought that the zebra-coated man was just really sexy, and the rest of the crowd found his request oddly wry. Nevertheless, they began to line up at the swimming hole where Origen helped them down into the water and Nohj heard their confessions. Then they swam to the other side and had doughnuts and coffee with the faithful. When the redhead stepped up, Nohj helped her down into the water and admired her ass.
“I got something to confess to you, baby.” he said.
The redhead licked her full lips and smiled.
Nohj thought it best to quote his Boble. A line from the Old Testicle, spoken when Father Abrahamilton first confessed his love to Vinyl outside of Egypt. If there was one way to get in a girl’s pants, it was with religion. “I got a big boner for you.”
Origen flinched visibly, but the redhead took it in stride and made a sexual gesture with her hand as it trailed down between her thighs.
“Now you are cleansed,”
“I will be tonight, my Lord.” the redhead breathed.
“Oh, for the love of BOB – ” Origen hissed between clenched teeth.
The redhead swam away, and Nohj went about baptizing the others. Then a man of extraordinary coolness stepped up to him. This stranger wore a leather bomber jacket, smooth-looking pants, and one of those old pirate shirts opened at the chest. His flowing brown hair and perfectly chiseled face almost made Nohj want to give up his womanizing career and go to the other side. The power of this stranger’s awe-striking charisma was so much that Nohj seriously considered, for some moments, to get on his knees and suck the stranger’s dick. Much the same way Nohj had forced that twelve year old boy in Crete to do, so many years ago, but that was another story.
“I am ready,” the stranger – the Son of BOB – said, stepping into the water.
Nohj placed a trembling hand on Bob Jr’s chest, “No, my lord. It is you should put me into the water.”
“Are you kidding?” Bob Jr asked, “This water flows from the city, do you know how much filth and germs are in it?”
“What?” Nohj looked down at the murky river, “No…I…never really got in, I – ”
“This shit’s poisonous.” Bob Jr muttered, glancing reproachfully at the water.
“Cancel that date with the redhead, Origen.” Nohj said quickly.
“She got in the car on the other side, sir. She’s halfway to your mansion by now.” Origen replied softly.
“Have her killed before I get back.”
Bob Jr shook his head and smiled, “You’re quite a character, Nohj. Oh, by the way, the authorities have pieced together that little deal in Crete. You’d better clear off when I’m done.”
“I thought you could do anything when you were a holy man?” Nohj muttered fearfully.
“Used to be,” Bob Jr said, “used to be…” The Son of BOB stepped into the river, and the crowd watched in awe as a light shone from beneath the waters. The river cleared, became sparkling and clean, and a bed of flowers grew up around the banks. Then the sky opened, the Holy Spirit – known as Bob-boboran came down from the sky as a chicken, and landed on Bob Jr’s head.
“I said,” Bob Jr hissed, balling up his fist, “the joke’s getting old!” he slammed his fist into Bob-boboran and sent it squawking away. Then he smiled apologetically and swam to the other side, where he grabbed a doughnut and ran into the desert to be tempted by False Rob.
“I say,” Nohj muttered after a few moments, “he’s an odd one.”
“Yes, sir.” Origen replied, “Which passport do you want to use to flee the country?”
“German, and we’ll leave immediately. Tell these yahoos that the baptism’s off, I’m going on another fast.” Nohj paused, then spoke again, “And, uh, tell them that I’m going to starve myself for a year so that BOB may bring them wealth and prosperity. If they don’t deposit money into my Swiss Bank Account, then their crops will fail and their daughters will be untouchable. I’ll need 17 million by the end of the year to convince me that they are loyal, and that I should continue my suffering for them.”
“No shit, sir.” Origen hurried off.
II: The Mystery of Bob Jr
Call of the first disciples
After Nohj had fled the country, Bob Jr re-appeared in the city and began teaching the good news of BOB. As he walked along the coast, he saw two fishermen and approached them. They were Sade-Peter, the failed rap star, and his white soul brother Werdna. Bob Jr came unto them and said:
Werdna shrugged, “Not really.”
“Want a job?”
Sade shrugged, “Not really.”
They both nodded.
“Then come with me, and you shall get many women and be paid for it.”
Given no better option, the two men followed Bob Jr as he went on his way teaching to the people. Again, BJ came upon two more fishermen. Well, two guys in a boat drinking beer. One was Jim, son of Sinnia, and the other was Nohj. They were even easier to coax into service.
So it came to pass that the first of the disciples followed BJ as he roamed the countryside. BJ’s presence was supreme, for, with these men following his every command, Bob Jr marched into the synagogues with no problems. Jim and Nohj watched the door, while Sade and Werdna covered the congregation with automatic weapons. BJ, then, preached of peace and prosperity, and the people were stunned by his words. He spoke with a certain authority and charm, and all the ladies thought he had a cute ass. No matter what he said, at least he had a cute ass.
On one day, there appeared a man with an unclean sprit. The man approached Bob Jr and began to shout in the Holy One’s ear. The obscenities were too much to put in print, but lets just say that it’s surprising BJ didn’t deliver a beat down immediately. Instead, the Son of BOB looked upon this pitiful creature with sad eyes, then he ordered Werdna and Peter to monkey-stomp the demoniac into next week. This beating appeared to heal the possessed one, and many spoke of the true power of BOB:
“Gee, if I beat my wife, then maybe she’ll act normally for a change – ”
Bob Jr, hearing such words, tried desperately to stop the Hebos from doing such terrible things. Unfortunately, the lesson was learned. This was the beginning of the complaints against Bob Jr, and when the misguided Hebo priesthood began to perceive a threat to their power.
Meanwhile, Nohj the Baptizer, in hiding with his faithful servant Origen, was just hearing of this news. Nohj was on the phone organizing a lucrative deal when Origen came in.
“So they’ll let us film it in the Holy Land, then?” he barked into the phone eagerly. “I don’t know which one’s the Holy Land! Do I look like a fucking geographer?”
“Sir – ” Origen was hesitant to interrupt.
“Yes, yes!” Nohj replied, “I have the telegram Origen. Don’t worry, I know what’s going on – ”
“Sir, I think that trouble could be brewing.”
Nohj pressed the phone against his chest and hissed in reply, “Origen, I understand your concern. Now I have a hell of a deal hatching here, baby. Let me go on this a bit. Old BJ can tend to business.” Nohj turned back to his phone, then added quietly, “At least, I think he can. It’s all been planned, right?”
“Where’s BOB when you need him?” Nohj muttered.
Origen did not reply. Instead, he picked up the empty liquor bottles surrounding has master’s lounge chair and retreated to the kitchen.
Back in the public eye, Bob Jr was working as hard as he could to deliver the positive message of BOB’s love and understanding. He performed a number of miracles, including the cure of a paralytic and some other nifty feats of wonder. Really, the whole helping out of Humanity thing can be so tiring sometimes. Bob Jr represented good will towards others, and such good will defiantly has it’s place – but not in this Boble. The important development is the assembly of the gang – the twelve apostles of Bob Jr:
Sade-Peter, the fallen rap star, who became known as M.C. Peter; Werdna, M.C. Peter’s `little’ white soul brother; Jim and his quiet cousin Nohj; Flip; Barnsworth (a reporter from the Independent); Matdude; Thomas Jefferson Davis (M.C. Peter’s Creole cousin); Adder Noun; Sinnia the Zealot (from the Hebo Liberation Nationalist Democratic People’s Front); and Granucci (who would ultimately head a radical front in opposition to the power of Bob Jr).
With his gang together, Bob Jr marched back to the center of Studly Town and began his preaching. Now, at this time, all the peoples of the known world were under the power and authority of the great Viking Empire. It is because of this occupying power that Bob Jr’s presence in the land was of great concern to many. While trouble was still brewing, Bob Jr acted as if he was blissfully unaware of any danger. The Vikings seemed amused enough by this backwards display of nationalism, and didn’t act immediately on, or even perceive, a threat to their power. They listened to his teachings with only half an ear and, for the time being, choose to let BJ go about his business.
The teachings of Bob Jr. are many and varied. They all have the same gist, though: do good by your fellow man and so forth. Indeed, if all of the teachings were listed here, the reader would soon grow weary and depressed. Therefore, your humble translators have decided to edit the teachings severely. This is not just because we’re trying to avoid work, this is because we’re developing mild schizophrenia as we read through the same fucking story over and over again. By the tangled pubic hair of Rob! What’s it take to get the point through?
Okay, get the bottle of Bacardi and let’s have us some parables.