The New Testicle I: The Bobsel According to Matdude, part two
The Bobsel According to
“The Baptism and Temptation of Bob Jr”
Okay… Me again. I’ve been working on that last chapter for a bitchload of time. Say, I was just with the other apostles last night and a few of us decided to really screw up everything, you know? I probably shouldn’t write this… But Nohj and I decided to “misplace” all the original manuscripts of the other Bobsels. We’ll get the other guys blasted this weekend, then burn all the manuscripts so ours will be the only Bobsels! Great plan, eh? Oh well…Hail BOB!
Anyway, Bob Jr (he’s the Boss) returned to his home town once he’d grown up (Nohj swears that none of what I’m telling you is true… He’s looking over my shoulder right now – but Nohj is so wasted on mushrooms, he can’t even remember his own name) and went to the river to meet his cousin…another Nohj. Nohj the Baptizer. Bob Jr came up to Nohj the Bap. and knelt down in the water of the river.
Nohj the Bap. refused, at first, to baptize the son of BOB. He said: “It is I who should be baptized!”
But Bob Jr in his great and infinite wisdom tackled Nohj to the riverbed and said, “All right you stupid bastard, here! I baptize you in the name of BOB. Now, baptize me!”
Nohj, sensing that B.J. was slightly angry today, did as was asked and baptized the son of BOB in the river.
Then Bob Jr walked forth unto the desert to be tempted by False Rob. After fasting forty days and nights, B.J. (suffering slight hallucinations) was approached by the tempter.
“Hi,” Rob squeaked, “so…you’re the Big Man’s kid?”
“Oh man…I’m hungry…”
Rob shrugged, “Right. Okay, if you are truly the Son of BOB, turn my testicles into bread.”
B.J. grinned. “It is written: `Not on your life you loser’.”
False Rob considered this for a moment. “Hey, I never read that anywhere.”
Bob Jr stood up. “Man shall not live on bread alone!”
“Well, whip up some cold cuts, then. I don’t care. Just turn them into bread! This is a test, stop screwing around!”
“It is written that – ”
“I said stop screwing around!”
Bob Jr shrugged. “I will not even look twice at your testicles, let alone waste my power on them.”
False Rob sighed deeply, and then led B.J. to the top of a boarding house. “If you are the Son of BOB, then why not throw yourself onto the hot tar of this roof, for it is written: `Ooh baby, ooh baby…do me now’.”
B.J. turned to the tempter. “I am the Son of BOB and you know it. That’s why you’re here; so why tempt me?”
“I have to…it was in the original contract.”
“Well, I don’t want to be tempted. I’m tired of all this.” Bob Jr took False Rob by the neck and held him out over the edge of the building. “Now, I know this isn’t really `me’, but you bug me. I really have no mercy for you. You have always bugged me. There’s something about you I just don’t appreciate. In fact, you’re a total loser. The worst case I’ve ever seen. Away with you False Rob! Scripture has it: `Ob la di, Ob la da, life goes on.'”
Rob replied, “But does not scripture also say: `Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you’?”
Bob Jr snarled in reply, “Scripture has it: `I met her in a pub down in North Soho where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola.’.”
“Scripture has it: `Touch-a, touch-a, touch me; I wanna feel dirty!'”
Bob Jr shrugged, “I hope you understand, but I’m going to have to drop you now.” B.J. released his grip, and False Rob tumbled to his temporary demise.
And so Bob Jr returned from the desert, and walked along the shores of Galilee. He wore sandals, ultra-cool bathing shorts, white sunblock on his nose, and purple reflective sunglasses which reflected Bobily in the sunlight. His studly, manly chest caught the eyes of all the women, and his mere presence made men shrink in intimidation.
“This must be a truly great preacher.” the men said. “What is your name, teacher?” they called to him.
Bob Jr simply smiled, “It’s not really important – you’re all working for me anyway.”
There were two fishermen by the name of Pain and Werdna. Bob Jr called unto them, “Cast away your nets and come with me. I will make you fishers of men.”
“What?” Werdna said, “What the hell are you going on about?”
“Fishers of men. You get my drift?” B.J. replied.
“What,” Pain said, “you want us to pick up guys in bars?”
“Now how do you get that out of the phrase `fishers of men’?” Bob Jr growled.
“Look,” Werdna explained, “we fish for fish. We don’t want to fish for men; or women.”
Bob Jr cupped his face in his hands and groaned, “No, no, no! I’m being metaphysical. Look, by `fishers of men’, I mean that we can save souls and redeem Mankind.”
“Now how do you get that out of the phrase `fishers of men’?” Pain asked.
“That’s what it means…uh…” Bob Jr trailed off.
“I thought so!” Pain retorted.
Werdna cut in, “What is it you wanted, anyway?”
“I want you to drop your nets and follow me.” Bob Jr replied.
“Hey,” Pain snapped, “we don’t follow anybody!”
“Are you using dolphin-safe nets?” B.J. asked shrewdly.
Pain and Werdna glanced guiltily at each other.
“I’ll go to the papers and tell them everything unless you follow me.” B.J. continued.
Pain and Werdna immediately dropped their dolphin-murdering nets and followed Bob Jr.
Along the way, the three men caught sight of two more fishermen – Jimmy and Nohj. Bob Jr called them and flashed a hundred dollars in front of their faces.
“Take it and follow him, man,” Werdna said, “it’s a better deal than he gave us.”
Jimmy and Nohj took the cash and followed Bob Jr.
They traveled all of the land, preaching in the supermarkets and on street corners of the new BOB. Such were the words of Bob Jr that his reputation carried throughout all of the lands and people traveled to see him. Thousands gathered to listen to his preaching of a squishy-happy BOB. To listen of how the BOB known by Nowaya and Abrahamilton had really mellowed out or something and decided that he wouldn’t do the flood thing or the blowing-up-city thing anymore. The new BOB sounded pretty okay, even more studly and cool than the old BOB.
When Bob Jr saw the crowds, he marched to a high step outside the post office and began to teach them the Uglytudes:
“How blest are the mellow and peaceful; the reign of BOB welcomes them.
“Blest too are the sorrowful and those who have lost; they shall gain if they leave behind the old and seek out the world in which they belong.
“Blest are the low; if they overthrow the government they might be high.
“Blest are those who hunger and thirst for the right woman; well…if they can’t find the right woman they’re losers anyway.
“Blest are the single-hearted, for having one heart is normal.
“Blest too are the pacifists, and the non-violent revolutionaries; they are truly with BOB.
“Blest are those persecuted for denying popular religion; independence and the kingdom of BOB is theirs.
“Blest are you for being here today; please give generously when the collection plate comes your way.
“Be glad and rejoice, for your reward will be great in Bob Heavens (where there is copyrighted sausage).” Bob Jr pointed to a small man in the front row, “What’s your name?”
Bob Jr cleared his throat, “Be glad and rejoice, for you all -except Edgar – will have great rewards.”
Many weeks later, Bob Jr prepared a memo to be read to the crowds. Werdna did the honors:
“Ahem… B.J. couldn’t make it today, but he asked me to read you this:” Werdna stood tall and Bobly before the crowds. He wore his nifty gangster suit, a black trenchcoat, purple reflective sunglasses, and had his brown hair waved back much in the fashion of BOB himself. His two-day stubble was most fashionable, and his black-suede shoes made him a man greatly respected. This had become the uniform of Bob Jr and his disciples – lots of black and purple.
Werdna continued reading, “`Okay, I have a few corollaries to the sixteen and a half commandments. First of all, judgment. He who judges last, usually hangs his enemies and doesn’t have much to worry about. But, these days, we must judge not. For if we judge, then what stops another from judging us? If I had it my way, we could just shoot people judging us… But we must be peaceful. Just nod your head and agree, and then you can go judge in private before you go to bed.’
“`Second, prayer is very powerful. When alone, pray to BOB to receive studliness. But do not pray with others. Your communion with BOB is private and personal.’
“`As regards to the commandment `Thou shalt not conform to society’, it is important to remember that your nonconformity must be in the form of non-violence. You must be different using peaceful means. You must also seek change in the society which you refuse…you know: Underground lit mags, underground plays, start your own business early, that kind of stuff. If you must use graffiti to express your angst, then be cool about it. Get lots of colors and draw really beautiful pictures on the walls. Now that’s good graffiti..’
“`Your purity should really be lost. Have sex, and practice it safely. But, for BOB’s sake, get laid. It’ll calm you down.’
“`You don’t have to love your enemies. Just pretend to. If you start up your own newspaper or something, you can try blacklisting your enemies; that’s always good. But use an alias.’
“`Never fast. Never go without food. Screw this health crap and eat the good stuff. Fine, you may die young – but you’ll die young and have a full stomach. Why live to eighty and not enjoy it because all you drink is blue milk and all you eat is celery? Dine on coffee, sugar, red meat, etc…’
“`You may find true riches not in your bank, but in your soul. Do what you want to do. Be who you want to be. Organizations, cliques and groups are all meaningless. As long as you have one friend or lover, and make a life you are happy with, that’s all you need. Never fit in. To fit in is to refuse yourself.’
“`Be kind to those who are different and strange to you, for you are different and strange to them.'”
Werdna looked at the crowds, “Okay kids, that’s it. Go home.”