The New Testicle I: The Bobsel According to Matdude, part three
B.J. and his gang came down the steps. They were suddenly approached by a man inflicted with a venereal disease.
“What happened to you, son?” Bob Jr asked.
“I fornicated unsafely,” the man replied, “and this is my punishment.”
There was a gasp from the people.
“You want I should get rid of him, boss?” Jimmy asked.
“No,” Bob Jr approached the man, placing a hand on the man’s forehead, “You are a son of BOB. Even though you have disobeyed the corollary, in these days of turmoil, it must be accepted that some men and woman may be different, and we must accept them as our brethren. We are all equal on this world, and that is the word of BOB.”
“It just feels different with the condom, and…”
“I know, I know. But if you must, at least pick a clean woman. Sheesh. You’re probably the type of guy who sticks his dick in drainpipes.”
“Lord!” the man gasped.
“Stuff it, I’m working a miracle.” Bob Jr replied.
The man was healed, and returned to his home. The gathered people murmured amongst themselves, unable to be cool enough to grasp this new philosophy – to heal the evildoers? It must never be done.
As B.J. and the gang entered the town of Casper, they were approached by a Viking who told Bob Jr, “My daughter is ill. You must come and heal her.”
B.J. and the gang followed the Viking to his house. Turns out his daughter was simply lonely and needed a date. She was legal, so Bob Jr pleasured her and gave her his number. (He didn’t use a condom because he doesn’t have to, and she was a clean girl anyway.)
“I and my household thank you.” the Viking said.
“Uh-huh. Well, look buddy, I want you to remember this when the time comes to crucify me.” Bob Jr replied.
“No problem.” the Viking said.
As the night went on, Bob Jr healed many others. His gang — mainly Jimmy and Pain — got totally blasted. Drunk, they went on a rampage throughout the town. Nohj simply got high, and sat around the campfire blathering on about his Big Trip. He handed out mushrooms to the young people, and pretty soon they were all on one big ‘shroom trip. Werdna found a coffee machine, and was so amped that he couldn’t sleep for two weeks after that. All in all, they made a night of it. They then slept for days on end. Bob Jr only awoke briefly to stop a storm in order to sleep more peacefully.
And they brought to him a man on a stretcher, crippled. Bob Jr took off the man’s uncomfortable shoes…and healed him! At that time, there was an IRS agent who had arrived to audit B.J. B.J. convinced the agent that he would get a considerable percentage of the funds being shaved off the top of the company revenues if the agent were to join Bob Jr. The agent decided that the profits — far in excess of his government paycheck — made a good deal. He joined up with B.J. and the gang. His name was Matdude.
B.J. then healed a dead girl, making her smell better. He gave sight to the blind, voice to mutes, hearing to the deaf, success to the cool, and movie roles to many beautiful women. Matdude helped many people cheat on their taxes, and receive enormous returns. Werdna distributed coffee, and acted as crowd control, offering backstage passes to see B.J. in exchange for favors from the ladies. Pain and Jimmy bounced out the ruffians, and made sure everyone stayed on track, and Nohj dealt mushrooms and Quaaludes to the younger folk. The profits were very great.
And Bob Jr preached to the crowds the prayer of BOB:
“Our BOB, who art in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage). Roundish be thy name. Thy kingdom come…hard, but not too hard. Thy will be done by (insert name of gorgeous supermodel here) on earth as well as in Bob Heavens (where there is Autumn-fresh potpourri sausage). Give us this day our daily sausage. And give us a few more days. And forgive us our Freshman-like sins and pimples. Give us nice stereos so that we may listen to music close to you, oh BOB.
And the crowds said, “Damn Straight!”
The Parable of The Seed:
“Okay, guys…there’s this seed. Now, the Farmer goes about tossing seeds around. Some seeds land upon the path. They grow, but are very soon crushed. These seeds are like those of you today who listen, but do not understand because you are stupid.
“Then some seeds land on rocks. And these seeds do not grow — they are eaten up by starving children. These seeds represent the government.
“Then some seeds take root. They land in fertile soil, and grow into large and happy crops. These seeds have understood the word of BOB, and they are holy. Then, four months later, the farmer comes and brutally cuts them down…then sells them at a roadside stand for a cheap price. Damn Straight.”
And the crowds said, “Damn Straight!”
The Parable of the Treasure In The Field:
“There was once a man who found a pearl in a field. He decided to sell everything he owned and buy the field. At that point, he tore the place apart and found no more treasure. This man was a fool. He was worthless. He was a Freshman. Yet, he found a woman in a bar one day. He gave unto her the single pearl he had found, and had many nights of pleasure. The woman made sure that he was well introduced to all of her methods, and this man never spent another day of his life alone. He fixed up his field, built a mansion, and became one with BOB. Because, regardless of his bad luck, he still owned a shitload of land. Damn Straight.”
And the crowds said, “Damn Straight!”
Bob Jr. Feeds Many Parts of Africa
Now, at this time, US intervention in relief of starving African countries was falling apart. Bob Jr traveled to these nations, bid the warlords lower their weapons, and preached to all.
“My heart is moved with pity.” Bob Jr turned to Pain and Werdna, “Pass unto these poor souls drugs and coffee. And bring unto me a bag of flour and boiling water.”
And so it was done. Bob Jr waved his hands over the items, and suddenly every house had enough food and water for a thousand years.
Bob Jr then left as mysteriously as he had come.
When back in his homeland, Bob Jr turned to Pain and said, “You are to be my diamond. You are to lead my people by teaching them that they do not need a leader. You are to take my place when I die. Kiss me, you fool!”
“But you are the messiah!” Pain replied.
“Kiss me anyway!”
“No…no,” Pain said, “I meant: How am I supposed to fill your almighty sandals?”
“Screw the sandals, Pain. Get yourself some steel-tipped, black, construction shoes. That’s the way to go. I like those. They turn me on.”
Bob Jr took went to a mountain top, “You see boys, I’m gonna die. It comes to that. Now wait here while I go have a metaphysical experience.”
Bob Jr walked up to a stone, and prayed to BOB while we fell into sleep. I left the camera running, so I know what happened next:
“Oh BOB,” said Bob Jr, “Why must this happen?”
And BOB came down unto the stone, “You ever listen to Andrew Lloyd Webber? Ah well…. Anyway, you must die in great pain so that the people of the Earth will think you’re cool. You see, I’ve kinda worn out my fame. Everyone’s tired of me. So, I’ve played on their pop culture and created you. You will forever be a member of the Human race’s pop culture; therefore all the kids will look up to you. And, in looking up to you, they are really looking up to me. Isn’t this an awesome plan? I spent a thousand years figuring this out. But, wait, there’s more. All of those jokers over there will become saints. People will be named after them. They’ll fight wars in our names! They’ll raise and destroy churches! They’ll destroy themselves, act like fools, and surrender all of their worldly possessions simply to be in our favor! It’s the biggest, grandest, most ingenious political scam the human race will ever witness! I think it’s so cool…it gives me an erection!”
And Bob Jr, grinning, said, “Wow, dad…that’s pretty damn slick.”
BOB nodded, “Yeah…ain’t it now?”
Now, at this time, Caiaphas and his gang were plotting the murder of Bob Jr. They decided to hunt him down on the mountain top, as he would be alone, and arrest him. They set out with torches to carry out their evil plan.
Meanwhile, Bob Jr awoke us and gave us all a piece of bread, “This is my body. Eat it and – ”
“Ooh!” we said, “Cannibalism! You want us to be cannibals?”
“No…nevermind. Just eat it. It’s a day old.”
And so the mob came up to arrest Bob Jr.
“What’s the buzz, tell me what’s a-happening?” we all said.
“We have come for the man called Bob Jr.” The leader of the mob spoke.
“That is me!” And so Bob Jr was taken away.