The Hazy Past

It’s taken me years, but I’ve converted all the shit I had on floppy disc over to my current computer. The goal was, initially, just to back up the important files I had floating around… But, bit by bit, I realized that I’ve pretty much held on to every piece of writing and correspondence since 1995.

In the middle of countless cringe-worthy letters and emails, there are many examples of true insanity that simply have to be shared with the public.

For example, here’s a letter to the editor of my college newspaper from March of 1996 (with apologies to Darius James, I think):

Amos and Andy Kill Whytie

by the most Rev. Dr. Darius Hellshaw

As a spokesman for the students at our college, I have decided to discuss some important social issues. Firstly, the fact that racism abounds in these hills. The multiple murders and cover ups of our minority students must be brought to light. No longer can these souls be destroyed and go unavenged. The Whyte Power Establishment is able to erase the memory of these martyred students, but I – Darius Hellshaw – can no longer be fooled. I speak of what is called racism, or, in plainer terms, Negrophobia. Negrophobia occurs when Whytie becomes blind and fears that his Establishment is being encroached upon. But the Man cannot hold together against such pressure, and so He must be toppled. While you attend this college, you must perform actions that will strike deep into the hearts of Whytie. Eventually, perhaps, Negrophobia will no longer be an issue as Whytie will soon be placed within strict confines. Whytie’s paranoia, like that of certain splinter religions, becomes dangerous to the innocents of the community. The oligarchy must be destroyed. Recently, your reverend – Darius Hellshaw – was present at your assembly meeting (now known as the SA – a cruel joke by the Nazi-obsessed Whyte establishment!). The motion was passed by a Whyte Ho from student life, who failed to succumb to my hypnotic voodoo, that smoking be banned from the cafeteria. This includes tobacco, mary-juana, and PCP-laced products. But, so Whytie can control us, it was suggested that an opiate be placed in full view and prepared for ready consumption. The Whyte Establishment will pacify you and continue its iron reign! I suggest, as the chaplain of your college, that we go along with this amendment, but that we add one of our own. We will section off a small portion of the cafeteria and label it “Whyte’s Only”. We will make separate milk dispensers without refrigeration units. We will make them drink from the tap, also marked “Whytie Only!”

The Establishment will try to stop us. They will suffer from Negrophobia, Studophobia, Professorophobia, and all sorts of wicked illnesses which your Whyte Administration often displays. They will flee to the hallowed halls of Halliehurst, only to find that they are no longer permitted within. They will not survive for long, once exposed to the sunlight of student unity! Hail, hail!

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