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The Cake Collector

My weekend job… Jesus. For 21 years I worked as the house manager/event coordinator at an old mansion in the suburbs of DC. Weddings, memorials, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, everything. Every event was so similar in theme and approach, I just called it the “wedding job.” Even if it was a fucking christening, it felt like […]

Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

Failure to Thrive

All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]

The Finger

I have finally completed my 20 year study on why women think it’s acceptable to stick their fingers up your ass. The results are below.

The Nice Guy

There was this girl from high school who was extraordinarily beautiful. Blonde, blue eyed, tall, built like a super model. And I mean built like a super model the way you think a super model is built, not the weird Auschwitz giraffes they are when you see them live. The way you think Christie Brinkley […]


I’ve come to appreciate girl’s butts.

The Pattern

One of the things I struggle with is why I so often go girl crazy. I don’t enjoy relationships, I don’t enjoy sex, I want nothing but to be left alone, and, yet, time and time again, I’ll fall instantly in love with a woman and be willing to trade anything for her.


One thing about women I’ve really come to hate is when they say they’re good in the bedroom. Because they never are, are they? Every woman I’ve been with has playfully told me this but, once I get them in the sack, the only thing they’re a master of is some long lost chapter of […]

On Dating…

People think I need a girlfriend. Friends say it’s unhealthy to roll into my 37th year without a girl on board. Despite countless train wrecks, they’re probably right. I’ll soon be moving into an age where it’s oddly creepy for me not to have a girl around. Like my motherfucking neighbor across the courtyard from […]