Posts Tagged ‘Rants’

Meandering

I didn’t have a post ready today because I’ve been doing all this for-money writing all week and I can’t concentrate on anything. Also, the only thing that I feel compelled to do is post tons of Youtube clips of Bowie singing and Rickman doing a terrible American accent that doesn’t even fool John McClane. […]

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The King of Farts

I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of parameters and record the progress (if that’s the right word) on a chart. He once […]

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Syria Me

In the wake of the dreadful terrorist attack on Paris (which, I promise, I won’t mock till early 2016), the US reaction has been typical. We blame the most disenfranchised colored people du jour – the Syrian refugees. Blacks and Hispanics can all breathe a sigh of relief as we turn our collective hateful prejudice […]

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Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

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The Gangbang Girl

In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]

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Failure to Thrive

All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]

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With Friends Like These…

There’s a great moment in the film Pump Up The Volume where Slater’s character is about to throw in the towel after he realizes the power of his pirate radio show, and is stunned by what it’s led to. “You see I didn’t plan it like this,” he says. “My dumb dad got me this […]

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The Death of a Hometown

Oh, Bethesda, my Bethesda. A quarter of a century ago you were a sleepy little suburb, the end of the subway line, a quiet little community with no skyline and you curled up and went to sleep when the sun set. There were groovy head shops and record stores where I discovered the last vestiges […]

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Hell is Other People

Oh, it’s so exhausting bleating on about how much I hate people. It’s like Blogging 101 to hate people. I say we should all just take the next step and embrace this hatred and take positive action to obliterate a large percentage of humanity, either through direct action, or simply by supporting acts of genocide […]

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And on the fifth day, the Lord created the kender

I do quite a bit of business at my local UPS Store and, no, it does not involve mailing the body parts of hookers to my friend in Dead Indian Bend, IA. That was a young man’s game. These days I do a brisk trade in dried ears severed from Japanese soldiers by America’s Greatest […]

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