Hell is Other People

Oh, it’s so exhausting bleating on about how much I hate people. It’s like Blogging 101 to hate people. I say we should all just take the next step and embrace this hatred and take positive action to obliterate a large percentage of humanity, either through direct action, or simply by supporting acts of genocide and horror around the globe. The truth is — it’s not hatred that fuels me. I wish only for us to have better, happier, and more rewarding lives. So, in order to achieve that, we need to kill about five billion people.

I think our goal should be a max human population of two billion. That’s a number that’s been proven to be successful. I pick that number because we started out the 20th Century just slightly south of two billion, and what did those fucking lunatic assholes do? They waged a global war that, up to that point in human history, was one of the bloodiest and most disastrous wars ever fought. That was followed by a pandemic the likes of which the world hadn’t seen in 400 years. Meanwhile, in the American Midwest and elsewhere, a climate catastrophe that would put the worst predictions of global warming to shame was underway and would result in the largest migration and sea-change of a society since the Huns bore down on Europe. The Earth itself seemed to rise up — San Francisco crumbled while floods in China killed countless millions. Avalanches, earthquakes, and tsunamis killed tens of thousands in Italy. The list goes on.

And what did these two billion assholes do in response to all that? Hell, they had a party. They moved into the Roaring 20’s. They invented cocktails, and sat around reading dime-store novels. They orchestrated the greatest cultural and scientific revolution since the Renaissance. They ushered in our modern era. And, when they got bored, they decided to just go ahead and continue their insanely bloodthirsty and horrific global war and top it off with the fucking atomic bomb because, hey, that’s funny, right?

So I think all that illustrates that two billion is quite enough people, thank you.

I’m not really worried about what will happen to us, or the Earth, if there are too many people around. I’m not sure we can ever improve upon or outdo what our grandparents and great grandparents did between 1900 and 1950 when it comes to acting on and celebrating man’s inhumanity to man and fucking up the world around us in the most appalling ways imaginable. No apocalyptic disaster scenario can match a day in Bergen-Belsen or channel the last confused thoughts of a Japanese woman clutching a baby to her chest as the fire cloud bore down on her or watching your family die of the flu in the sad, poisoned, crime-ridden tenement that you jokingly call home. I’m purely motivated by happiness. Let’s get back to our roots — a population of two billion — and then we can cheerfully go back to not caring about anything and drinking bathtub gin all day. When there’s some tragic moment of human horror, we won’t watch it over and over again and obsess about it, we’ll wonder what you’re talking about and say, “Oh, darling, but that’s sooo far away. Have another sidecar and let’s play bocce!”

It’ll be so much more relaxing if we can just kill those five billion people — and I am making a list, don’t worry. And don’t ask me “how,” because that’s the easy part. We just need to man up and drive them into the ocean or something. We — the saviors of humanity — can be the Morlocks to their Eloi. Except we won’t eat them. Maybe.

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