Customer Service Transcripts #11

Drama Queen

Cust: I would like to subscribe to the (journal).

Me: Okay, we can do that for you.

Cust: How long is the subscription for?

Me: It’ll be a 12 month subscription.

Cust: And the cost?

Me: The cost is $50.

Cust: Twelve months…that seems like a long time.

Me: Um… Well…

Cust: A very long time!

Me: Okay.

Cust: I do not think I have the time to read this journal.

Me: Okay.

Cust: I am a very busy person!

Me: Okay.

Cust: I certainly do not have the time to read a journal!

Me: Okay. That’s fine. So you do not want to subscribe, then?

Cust: Oh! It is so hard! Yes! But I don’t have the time! What do you think?

Me: I think you should subscribe to several journals.

Cust: (silence)

Me: It’s important that we make time for ourselves.

Cust: Fucker. (hangs up)

More precious time wasted…

Customer: How much are the dues for a new Associate?

Me: You’ll start out at $69 and, after four years, move up to $207.

Cust: And, if there’s a year where I can’t pay, am I able to just skip that year?

Me: Well… yes.  But you won’t be an active member if you do so.

Cust: But it’s not like you’ll force me to pay even if I can’t?

Me: No…we won’t force you to pay against your will.

Cust: Are you sure?  Some places do.

Me: We don’t.

Cust: That’s what those other places said.

Me: Hmmm… (Refusing to take the bait.)

Cust: I wish all of this information was written down somewhere so I didn’t have to waste time with a phone call.

Me: Oh, well, it is.  You can go to our webpage and all the details are right there.

Cust: I don’t have the time to do that!

Me: Oh.  Okay.

Cust: My time is very precious.

Me: Yes, ma’am.

Cust: So I do rather resent having to waste time on the phone with you.

Me: I’m sorry, ma’am.

Cust: I also think it’s absurd that this information isn’t posted somewhere.

Me: Where do you think it should be posted, if not online?

Cust: I don’t know! That’s your job! (hangs up)

And, now, an email:

Hi Asshole,

Thanks for your quick response; you get an “A” for effort.
But alas, you get a “C-” for customer care.

Having worked at HP for 18 years, I know a few things about taking good
care of customers. When we published a reference manual that had errors,
we would post the corrections ASAP, but (this is the important part)
we also provided free replacements upon request.

We also cleaned up any messes that we caused. I don’t expect you to
change my grade for me, but a new manual would be appreciated.

ds

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