Customer Service Transcripts #10

Measuring the IQ of my co-workers…

Co-worker #1: I gotta find someone to do my carpets.

Co-worker #2: Oh! I can help you! My friend’s a carpenter.

Co-worker #1: What? No… A carpenter makes wood.

Co-worker #2: No they don’t. They make carpets.

Co-worker: #1: Uh…I don’t know.

Co-worker #2: Well, anyway, my friend makes carpets, so he can help you.

Recall Fiasco…

(We recalled a title in 2009 and sent out prepaid UPS labels to everyone who wanted a replacement. They had to first send back the recalled item. But, even if they fucked that up, we sent a replacement out anyway. Call received two days before New Years 2010.)

Cust: I sent my book back and don’t have a replacement.

Me: I don’t see where we’ve received it…when did you mail it back?

Cust: November 18th.

Me: Well, I have no information for the UPS tracking number.  What I can do is get a reshipment together and send out a replacement.

Cust: I went to UPS and paid $40 for this.

Me: $40?  It was a prepaid label.

Cust: I live in Nassau, Bahamas and that UPS label wouldn’t work.

Me: We have your address as Plantation, FL…

Cust: Yes, I don’t live at that address.

Me: That’s the address you gave us, though.

Cust: Yes.  You said it had to be domestic for the UPS label when I called.

Me: So, basically, you gave us a false address and then you sent a package to us outside of the replacement program?

Cust: I DID NOT!  I MAILED IT TO YOU!

Me: Using our prepaid label?

Cust: No.

Me: So it was outside of the exchange program.  We wouldn’t know what to do with it when it arrived.

Cust: (various colorful indignant insults)

Me: What I can do is put together a reshipment for you…

Cust: MY CLASS STARTS IN TWO DAYS!

Me: On new Year’s Day?

Cust: YES!!!

Me: Well, what I can do is put together a reshipment for you.

Cust: (indignant rant about how she wouldn’t have paid if she’d known, etc.)

Me: If we send you a prepaid label and then UPS says that they can’t use it and charges you $40, isn’t that a sign that there’s a problem and you should contact us?

Cust: They did that because I live in the Bahamas!

Me: Right.  And if we’re offering you a no-cost exchange program and you apparently lie about your address and then get charged a ton of money, wouldn’t that suggest that you should call us and try again?  We have policies in place for international customers.  We sell millions of copies of the book in over 70 countries.

Cust: I’M JUST A CITIZEN!  I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS WORKS!

Me: This is common sense.

Cust: NO!  NO!  You listen to me!  I AM A CITIZEN!

Me: Look, I’ve been trying to tell you from the start that I’ll send a reshipment —

Cust: You listen to me!  My class starts in two days —

Me: –on New Years Day —

Cust: –and I can’t believe you won’t help me.  How am I expected to know how UPS works?

Me: So if you had a problem, or were unsure of how it worked, wouldn’t that suggest that you should call us to straighten it out?

Cust: I NEED MY BOOK IN TWO DAYS!

Me: I know — how about I send it to you.  Would you like that?

Cust: YES!

Me: Okay.  I’ll do that.  Can you give me your real address.  Try not to lie this time.

Cust: Fine!  (Gives the Bahamas address.  I sent it with the slowest shipping option.)

Another Monty Python skit…

Cust: I’m checking on my membership payment and subscriptions.

I check and all is okay, I confirm the journals she’s getting, she says that everything is correct.

me: Good, good.  Then everything is okay.

Cust: Huh?

Me: Everything is okay.

Cust:  I….I don’t know what you mean.

Me: You’re good to go.

Cust: Good to go?

Me: Yes.

Cust: I don’t understand.

Me: Your account is in order.  You’re set up correctly for 2010.

Cust: My account is in order…

Me: There is no problem.  Everything is fine.  You are paid up for 2010.  You are getting your journals.

Cust: ….okay…I think…I still don’t understand…

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