Category: Rants

The Coach, The Cowboy, and the Monkey

I’m bored and all the news is about Trump, so I’m going to write a long post about something that doesn’t matter to anyone. But I think it’s funny!

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Hitler, That Guy You Know

I have only one wish for the human race in 2016. And that wish is…

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Meandering

I didn’t have a post ready today because I’ve been doing all this for-money writing all week and I can’t concentrate on anything. Also, the only thing that I feel compelled to do is post tons of Youtube clips of Bowie singing and Rickman doing a terrible American accent that doesn’t even fool John McClane. […]

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The King of Farts

I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of parameters and record the progress (if that’s the right word) on a chart. He once […]

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Syria Me

In the wake of the dreadful terrorist attack on Paris (which, I promise, I won’t mock till early 2016), the US reaction has been typical. We blame the most disenfranchised colored people du jour – the Syrian refugees. Blacks and Hispanics can all breathe a sigh of relief as we turn our collective hateful prejudice […]

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Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

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The Gangbang Girl

In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]

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Failure to Thrive

All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]

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With Friends Like These…

There’s a great moment in the film Pump Up The Volume where Slater’s character is about to throw in the towel after he realizes the power of his pirate radio show, and is stunned by what it’s led to. “You see I didn’t plan it like this,” he says. “My dumb dad got me this […]

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Psychotic Monster Screening Quiz

I recently took all the quizzes on Psychcentral to see if it was okay for me to have killed and mutilated all those illegal Mexican girls when I was living in the small border town of Antelope Wells, NM. Good news: It was okay! Because I have a “disease” that can be “treated.” Much in […]

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