What’s wrong you idiots? Trump is the best possible thing that could happen to this country. We need him in the White House! Think about it – everyone in Congress will unite against him. His mere presence will dissolve the two party system and we’ll move into an era of egalitarian utopia as congressmen, senators, […]
I’m bored and all the news is about Trump, so I’m going to write a long post about something that doesn’t matter to anyone. But I think it’s funny!
I have only one wish for the human race in 2016. And that wish is…
I didn’t have a post ready today because I’ve been doing all this for-money writing all week and I can’t concentrate on anything. Also, the only thing that I feel compelled to do is post tons of Youtube clips of Bowie singing and Rickman doing a terrible American accent that doesn’t even fool John McClane. […]
I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of parameters and record the progress (if that’s the right word) on a chart. He once […]
In the wake of the dreadful terrorist attack on Paris (which, I promise, I won’t mock till early 2016), the US reaction has been typical. We blame the most disenfranchised colored people du jour – the Syrian refugees. Blacks and Hispanics can all breathe a sigh of relief as we turn our collective hateful prejudice […]
I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.
In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]
All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]
There’s a great moment in the film Pump Up The Volume where Slater’s character is about to throw in the towel after he realizes the power of his pirate radio show, and is stunned by what it’s led to. “You see I didn’t plan it like this,” he says. “My dumb dad got me this […]