Boble X: Assorted Prophets
The Last Book of The Old Testicle
Part I of Book XI
The Prophet Ishia (is-hay-ah)
“The Sinful Hebos”
The vision which Ishia, son of Amon, son of Bill, son of Sam, son of Empty Alleyway, son of Habbadia, son of Sing-Sing, son of Hoo Ting Chan, son of somebody, son of blah, blah, blah and son of on and on back to a couple thousand other people, son of Dick, son of BOB. Um… the vision which Ishia had was about the Hebos and their homeland in the days of A-Ha!, king of the Hebos. In the vision an angel-minx appeared and said:
“Hey, don’t worry about it, man.”
So he didn’t.
“The Birth of His Son”
Wah, wah! Ishia had a bay-yay-be! And BOB said (via an angel): “Go to the lake and ask for a razor blade. Then take the razor blade given you by the King of Assyria and shave your nasty ass! Then shave the clumps of matted fur on your sides, and get it on with a heifer.”
And so Ishia did.
And so BOB asked, “Now, how do you feel?”
“Odd…” Ishia replied.
“That’s because you just porked a cow!” BOB laughed hysterically, and then split. He had other things to worry about anyway.
Feeling put out, Ishia walked off, and the rest of this story remains unfinished.
But lo! The understudy happened to be handy!
Understudy Tom went to Babylon and had a real fun time on our money. What a bastard. A personal audit was delivered, and Understudy Tom had a few problems. The king of Babylon said that BOB’s soil sucked, and that he would rather have a party. BOB did not like the attitude, but he got so wasted at the Babylonian party that he forgot about it. Babylon was spared until… well, that comes later. Anyway, Understudy Tom traveled to many other places, and said a lot of things to a lot of people. Things like: “And, lo, the Lord our BOB is really big, and he can turn the Earth upside down and flush it down the toilet.”
And Understudy Tom preached that BOB really liked the Hebos, and didn’t particularly go for anyone else. And BOB, through Understudy Tom, told the Hebos, “Beware, for I shall test you later. I will have you exterminated, persecuted, stepped upon, cooked, blown up, moved away, forced into poverty, gassed, tortured, and be the cause of venereal diseases. Nobody will like you, and horrible stereotypes will arise which shall cause the humiliation of your entire race. And all the other followers of BOB will steal your ideas and start their own religions. I do this because I love you, and I am a good God.”
So the Hebos stoned Tom.
Part II of Book XI
The Prophet Jerememee (Jher-ee-me-me)
“Oracles in The Days Of Vague Sexual References”
And BOB spoke unto J. He said, “Take my rod and staff and go forth unto my people…and they shall come.”
And thus J took up the large rod and staff and stumbled towards all the young women he could find. “Allow me to thrust this upon you!” he would say, and they would usually run screaming. Well, except for the crazy chicks. They always got it on. J was not a good prophet, and didn’t really do all that much. In essence, he was a waste of a paycheck. But BOB had chosen him to hold his rod and staff.
“Oh, my,” said the local Rabbi, “What a mighty rod and staff!”
And J would thank the Rabbi and then thrust the rod and staff upon him, crushing him beneath the pulsing energy of BOB.
Sneaky husbands would seek out J and inquire about the future of Babylon.
“Read on,” J would reply. “In many years, after the coming of our Lord – the son of BOB – the Earth shall end abruptly.”
And, thus, sneaky husbands would return home elated. J failed to mention women’s liberation for fear of bad press. However, shortly after he visited the Hebo city, it was destroyed. So J took up the practice of preaching against Babylon.
“Don’t go there! The women have diseases, and they’re ugly anyway!”
You ever wonder what all this Babylon stuff is about anyway? Man, don’t be worrying. Just move on and forget about it. Call it a loophole… Maybe even a Lost Book of the Boble. Hey, Lost Book equals Sequel!
Part III of Book XI
The Prophet Ez (Easy)
“In Which Everyone Feels A Touch Better”
One day, Ez had a vision:
“On the thirteenth day of the fifth month of the twentieth year since the fourth meeting of the ninth committee on Twenty-Second Avenue and First, whilst I was among the dumb people living by the River Chor, the heavens opened and I saw the divine visions. But I forgot them.
“But lo! I was faced with the glory of the Lord our BOB. He came unto me, curious, and asked me if I had heard the doorbell ring. I said no, but I had already flung myself upon the floor -thus BOB was unable to hear me.
“Then a mass of angels descended upon me, and they told me to eat the scroll, which had been flavored like tuna. Without choice, I devoured the scroll. It felt like velvet, and appeared to be more or less feces-flavored (the tuna was just a red herring).
“Then BOB told me to eat another scroll, and I did. And thus was I laughed at. Then BOB made me watchman of the Hebos and cautioned me that this incident should never be mentioned again – so it didn’t matter. I was also told how dumb I was, but that was uncontrollable. So I think BOB only removed my fingers to show me how nice he was. Then, for the twentieth time that day, the city of the Hebos was put under siege, captured, and then regained.
“Later that night, BOB told me a story. He said that the Boble does not contain the rather amusing tale of Samnut and Doodoo. This oversight is very interesting, and should be corrected immediately. So I, Ez, have been picked to retell this story to you all, exactly as BOB told it unto me:
“`Once there was Samnut, who was a very strong and a very great man. All his power, however, was contained in his fairly ample wong. His little one-eyed love buffalo happened to be twenty feet long. He had a sheath for his sword, his love-muscle. He fell in love with Doodoo and they lived together – Samnut being so proud of his BOB-given wankle, and Doodoo was quite happy too… well. Anyway, False Rob came unto Doodoo and convinced her to destroy Samnut’s power. Thus Doodoo took an axe, and chopped Samnut’s wanker clean off!! In turn, she was transformed into a pillar of salt, and that’s the end! Well…I guess you had to be there…’
“In my time, I experienced much pain. All love in BOB began to vanish. We, the Hebos, needed something to boost our spirits… needed something…a tremendous big-budget production which would rally everyone around BOB. Unfortunately, I died before long, and was unable to finish the
The Prophet Danny (Dan-ee)
When I came unto Adolf, preaching of BOB, I was yelled at. But I would not leave, so I was thrown into a furnace with my friends. The furnace was turned up real high, but I prayed to BOB and survived. Really, the story is quite dull. Our trip there was in the rain; once arrived we were captured and immediately thrown into the fiery furnace. At that point, we just walked around and did nothing ’till they let us go. The prayers were long, and I don’t really remember them. I mean, the whole damn thing was so scary anyway. I’m very traumatized, don’t you know? But I have given up being a prophet because, honestly, the whole thing is getting just a little tiresome. So bye.
The Prophet Hosy (Hose-e)
Hosy married some guy named Gomer! Fag. BOB has decided to blow him up, and I, Jones (Jones) have taken over because I’m not a fag. I have, however, seen whale shit up close, thus I am vaguely unique.
Chapter one, in which I go out on a mission.
I was told by BOB to set out for some big city. So I did, you know? So I went out to this stinky fishing boat with all these stinky fishermen. I was angered at this, and I expressed my anger to BOB. Thus did BOB send forth a huge mother of a whale to swallow me. Which is partly unrealistic, but this is all a metaphor so it doesn’t matter.
After a long time, I escaped from the whale and spent a weekend in the shower. The moral of the story is: Never get mad at BOB, for he always does something for a reason.
The Prophet Billickme (Bill, lick me!)
“The Last Little Bit of The Old Testicle”
Well, that’s it, ladies and gents. We’ve just about shot the last ball in the hole and put an end to the `mean-old-BOB’. From here on out, he’s gonna be a `squishy-happy-BOB’. For he shall have a son who shall come unto the Hebos and deliver them from the unmitigated hell in which they live. Woah! Oh, well, anyway, and now a word from our sponsor…
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