Boble VI: Jobless, part one

The Book of Jobless

Chapter One
“Jobless and His Pie(ty)”

In the land of Oz, there was a blameless and upstanding genitalia collection.  Next door to this collection, in the guest house, was a man known as Jobless…

All right, all right… A black lesbian known as Jobless…or a white lesbian. Anything really!  See, the Boble can be fair to all minorities.  Fucking niggers.

Anyway, this ultimate white guy named Jobless acted as caretaker to the genitalia.  No vaginas, either!  Just lots and lots of lonely male genitalia!  All in all, Jobless was a pretty cool guy.  He had seven sons and seven trillion sheep in his basement.  He also had three thousand camels he kept out back, five yoke of a hundred oxen in West Westphilia, and thirteen daughters in Herman’s Warehouse.  Jobless was happily married to five hundred she-asses, and a great number of work animals.  His daughters used to take turns being the feast, and they would make these beautiful embroidered invitations before they were skinned and boiled.  And when each feast had run its course (like a five ton weight through a goose stretched between two fenceposts), Jobless would send for his drunk sons, whom he would trick into running naked through Lady Buckwald’s rose bed screaming bizarre and out-dated political jokes.

Outwardly happy, Jobless was unaware of the eyes of a serpent.  He was watched by the Evil Mister Bishop! (Lord of Nothing, Ex-Gym Teacher, Official Administrator, Evil Mr. B for short, Hail False Rob, ….ssssssss…..)

Chapter Two
“The Nipple Rub”

 

In Bob Heavens (where there is revisited sausage), BOB looked down upon his court of red-headed angel-minxes. He had recently dismissed all the male angels in BOB Heavens (where this is bureaucratic sausage) and sent them on extended vacations.  That left him with the need to assign important tasks to his angel-minxes. Then, in the interest of keeping them all healthy and fit, he had organized an early morning aerobics program.  BOB sat upon a raised dais, sipping a cocktail and angling his purple-reflective shades against the sunlight.  He was still in his pajamas – a silk, purplish shirt and a pair of black, silky bottoms. He had a pair of Tiva’s on which looked as if they had traveled a few million miles.

Candy Cane, a mousy little redheaded angel-minx, brought a tray of breakfast delights to BOB, laying them down on a stand beside the lounge chair BOB had chosen specifically for morning aerobics.  Meanwhile, Binaca paced the length of the dais shouting orders to her fellow angel-minxes through a bullhorn.  “One, two, jump…” etc.

“Binaca,” BOB said groggily.

The redhead stopped in her tracks and spun on a heel.  She wore a loose, see-through white shirt and no underwear.  BOB clicked his tongue slightly when she spun around, but seemed too tired to pursue any sexual desires.  “Yes, My BOB,” Binaca said huskily.

“Any word from the Earth Goddess lady?”

Binaca produced a strange half-smile, then cooed “Oh, BOB.  You don’t really want to -“

BOB cracked his knuckles and Binaca fell silent.  “Binaca…”

Binaca cleared her throat awkwardly.  “I spoke with her secretary.  You have an appointment later on.”  She sounded displeased, but turned back to directing the aerobics without any further comment.

BOB was about to order the angel-minxes to remove their scanty clothing when he noticed something unusual.  It took him a little while to focus, and when he did he was shocked to see the short, ugly shape of False Rob! (Eternal Freshman, Lord of Zits, Ex-junior High Kid, False Rob for short, Hail False Rob Who Is Short……ssssss……)

“Well I’ll be damned,” BOB muttered.  He stood up and paced to the edge of the dais where Rob had pushed his way through the angel-minxes to stand.  “I haven’t seen your sorry ass for a long time.”

Binaca stopped directing the aerobics as the angel-minxes broke in screams of terror, fleeing the room.  She and Candy Cane stood protectively beside BOB.

Rob was having trouble taking his eyes off of the sultry Binaca, “Where’s Mistress EVE?” Rob asked.

BOB shrugged, “Somewhere in Indonesia.  What do you want?”

“I just wanted to check in, see if you were still the supreme being… Just making sure no Earth Mothers were edging in on your territory…”

“Damn,” BOB muttered under his breath, glaring at Binaca reproachfully.

“Okay, okay!” Binaca shouted.

BOB turned back to Rob, “From whence dost thou comest?”

And Rob replied, “From roaming the Earth and urinating thereon.” He was calm and smug now, this was a routine he and BOB went through every aeon or so.

BOB said to Rob, “Okay, so now that the traditional greeting is over, I guess you have a target.”

“Jobless!” Rob replied excitedly.

“Damn!” BOB glared at Binaca again, who seemed confused.  “My dude Jobless is a bore.  Though he never touches the genitalia in that awful collection.  He’d never betray me, anyway.”

Rob smiled, “My bet is that Jobless will crack.”

“Oh, think so, huh…”

Binaca scrunched up her face worriedly, “Now, boys…”

“Yeah!” Rob shouted back.

“Yeah!” BOB replied, lurching drunkenly forward.

“Then you are on, my friend.” Rob replied.

* * *

And so, one day, while Jobless was eating and drinking his children, a herdsman in his hire burst onto the scene and said: “All of your oxen and assholes were grazing in the outer field when large men from the East came and took them away while murdering all your herdsmen…” the herdsman took a moment to catch his breath, “and I alone have escaped to tell thee that all of your oxen and assholes were grazing in the outer field when large men from the East came and took them away while murdering all your herdsmen.”

Jobless was quiet for a moment, trying to interpret the herdsman’s rushed words.  Finally it all sunk in.  “Fuck,” Jobless hissed.  Then he went back to his meal with a little shrug.

* * *

In Bob Heavens (where there is smug sausage), BOB said unto Rob, “Well, that was easy.  Unfazed…Bobly… Told ya.”

Binaca proudly rubbed BOB’s shoulder.

Looking down, Rob murmured a curse under his breath. “Then shall I try again?”

“No.”

Rob smirked. “Sorry.  I’ll rephrase: Then I shall try again!  I shall torture him!”

“Actually…uh…” BOB started to protest.

Rob was whipped into a frenzy. “Ha!  I shall give him facial herpes!”

“Are you really going to put up with this?” Binaca asked.

BOB looked at her sadly, “It’s sort of in the contract…”

On the Earth, Jobless sat at his table.  He was no longer hungry, and only mildly surprised when he was struck down with facial herpes.  After this, Jobless opened his mouth and everyone backed away.

“Oh, why must I be tested so!” Jobless shouted out.  “Alas, I put my faith in BOB.  Surely this evil is not visited upon me by His holy hand.”

In Bob Heavens (where there is OBD II 3-way catalytic converter with 2 oxygen sensors, enhanced evaporation system sausage {California sausage includes secondary air injection pump}) BOB lay back on a couch, now fully dressed, while Rob paced in front of him.

“This guy is a nutter,” Rob hissed.  “Anyone else would have turned by now.”

BOB grinned, keeping silent the knowledge that no option to turn had actually been presented to Jobless.  Humans were rather blind when it came to seeing all the options…as long as that stuck, then everything was okay.  “So you admit defeat, Freshman of the Apocalypse?”

Rob stopped pacing and turned towards BOB, “Ah…as if it were that easy…

BOB rolled his eyes.

“I shall  kill his wife and he shall defecate upon your name!”

On Earth, as Jobless held his dying wife in his arms, he looked up and said. “Thank BOB for killing the bitch; I really hated her.  And I am still loyal to BOB.”

In Bob Heavens (where the sausage likes to dance and sing, drink English Cider and scream in tourists’ ears) BOB could barely suppress his laughter.

“Wow…”  Rob seemed a little nervous this time around.  He refused the tea that BOB offered, and hand-fed the Evil Mister B while he thought about the situation.  “I could have his friends scorn him…”

“They do that anyway,” BOB replied.

So, on Earth, Jobless sat amoungst the ruins of his house and his land, all of his loved ones and livestock having been slaughtered when a man came along the road.

“What the fuck happened here?” the man shouted over the stone fence dividing the road and Jobless’ land.

“You a tourist?” Jobless asked.

“Yeah,” the man replied.  “I’m from Virginia.  The name’s Bildad.”

Jobless nodded, “Hi,” he said, sounding as dejected as he looked.

“Looks like you got a run of bad luck.” Bildad said.

“I lost my Tori Amos CD’s,” Jobless replied.

Bildad looked around the corpse-laden field where the smoldering ruins of Jobless’ house lay.  “I would say you lost considerably more.  I bet I know why.”

“Don’t you have to go to the train station or something?” Jobless asked.

Bildad shrugged, “Anyway, it looks as if you have turned against BOB.  Perhaps, even, BOB has abandoned you.  Now…I’m not into this stuff, but have you considered the rewarding properties of False Rob?”

“False Rob has no hold over me… I love BOB, now and always.” Jobless replied.

“Well…” Bildad seemed to think on this for awhile, then he said, “Have you considered the rewarding possibilities of becoming a hippie and following the Earth Mother?”

In Bob Heavens (where there is surprised sausage) BOB spit his mouthful of ale across the bar.  Binaca froze in her tracks, where she had been rolling a Guinness keg under the bar.  Rob even seemed surprised, drinking a Sprite and munching on some crackers.

“Who the hell is that?” BOB shouted at Rob once he recovered.

“I thought he was working for me…” Rob muttered slowly.  He seemed lost, confused.

“By BOB’s brown back hair!” Binaca replied to Rob.  Then she turned to BOB, “Sorry, picked that one up in the locker room…” She turned back to Rob, “This guy is working for the Earth Goddess!”

“They’ve infiltrated my ranks!”  Rob fell to BOB’s feet, “You must help me!”

“Begone, demon.  Take that snake and get out of here.” BOB commanded.

Whimpering, Rob collected the Evil Bishop and backed out of Bob Heavens (where there is real ale and sausage).

On Earth, Bildad continued to attack Jobless for his lack of faith.  He handed out tracts concerning the Earth Mother, and pushed the hippie goodness of her ways.  Finally the weather changed, and Bildad stopped in mid sentence.  He straightened and looked up at the skies.  “I’ve been here too long.  I must go.”  He looked down at Jobless, “Remember what I told you!”  then he ran off down the street as the heavens opened and BOB descended with a phalanx of angel-minxes.

He approached Jobless, “Greetings son, I am BOB and I have come to help you win the lottery.”

“Oh…that’s cool!” Jobless replied.

BOB laughed heartily. “But first we shall remove those boils so you don’t look so bad…not that you could look good next to me.”

“Oh certainly not!” Jobless replied, as he was healed.

(BOB turns to camera) “And you, too, boys and girls, can get great and wonderful gifts if you are loyal to BOB.  Check your magic BOB decoder rings!  If you have the number 808, then you have been chosen to serve me!  Dial 1-808-808-0808 and give the operators your name.  Johnny, tell them what they’ll win!”

“Thank you BOB.  Each contestant will win a:
SIXFOOT FULL-COLOUR POSTER OF BOB,
A MAGIC, SUPER-SECRET SPECIAL TREASURE CHEST,
A PHOTO OF THE HOLY PAPERCLIPS,
THE PLAYBOY ISSUE WITH MISTRESS EVE IN IT,
THE OFFICIAL CONDOM OF BOB HEAVENS,
AN AUTOGRAPHED, CLOSE-UP PHOTO OF BOB’S ROOT CANAL, AND
YOUR VERY OWN SMACK ACROSS THE FACE!”

“Now get out of my face,” BOB commanded. (Smack!)

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.