Since I now only write articles so that I can keep the GS
I sort of default to whining about gentrification and how much I despise my life and I know that’s intensely boring for some people, and deeply concerns others, but I’ve always been an advocate of do what comes easiest. Which is why I’m a chronic masturbator who drinks screw-top wine.
Writing never comes easy. Not for anyone. There’s a little bit of labor that goes into this…especially when I’m sitting in my soulless office, surrounded by morons, counting down to happy hour at 6pm. Though I just spent $150 on a plumber this morning, so tonight’s happy hour plan is to throw myself on the mercy of friends and drink whatever they buy me. Which, after a lifetime of doing such things, is usually something like Cointreau on ice. But I choke it down because it’s free. And because I know there are 23 year old plumbers out there who make $100 an hour. I don’t remember what I was doing at 23. Probably masturbating and drinking screw-top wine.
So! Light-hearted! Hello internet! Today I did not get high on a new-fangled street drug that makes me strip naked and chew people’s faces off! What about you? Today’s news, though, is about the guy who, in a similar drug frenzy, stripped naked, ran around on all fours barking, and then killed and fucking ate his dog in front of his kids. That sort of makes the face eating zombie guy look tame, don’t you think? At least the guy who got his face chewed off knew what was coming. You can make your peace with your gods, then. But the family dog? It’s racing around thinking that everything is fun and games.
And it is, I guess, till somebody rips your throat out.
Which gets me to my main point: I’m going to write about beautiful things from now on and never complain again. The below are topics I’m considering for future articles.
Beautiful Thing #1: The law I’m trying to get my Congressman to pass which allows me to use a whip on fellow commuters in the Washington Metro system. My hope is to get a whip like the Morlocks used to herd the Eloi in the 1960 Time Machine. The kind that makes that impressive sounding ker-rack, followed by a studio-fabricated echo effect. Ker-rack! Ker-rack!
Beautiful Thing #2: Girlbutts.
Beautiful Thing #3: Mastering the art of chronic masturbation and one-handed screw-top wine bottle opening and drinking without spilling a drop. Of any fluid. If you know what I mean.
Beautiful Thing #4: Books I’m involved with that unexpectedly sell out…and I’m not the one responsible for doing another print run because I’m just a consultant. That’s a very beautiful thing, actually. Oh, sorry kids, your book sold out. Go spend another ten grand getting it reprinted. I’ll be…um… No, I’m not calling from the airport. What are you talking about? What announcement? That’s just the TV.
Beautiful Thing #5: More girlbutts.
Beautiful Thing #6: That law I’m trying to get my Congressman to pass where I’m allowed to carry a concealed machete and use it on people who stand in doorways, oblivious to anyone behind them.
I figure all that is enough to launch the New Nacho Sasha. A man who is not obsessed with the fucking glaring scar of segregationist gentrification and the overwhelmingly horrible truths of the workaday salary serf world. I don’t know why I bother complaining, anyway, since gentrification means better bars and my ever-improving salary serfdom means I have a near unlimited cash flow to spend at those bars. Where would I be otherwise? At that old Mexican place on Georgia Avenue (now closed) that was some sort of MS-13 front. You had to be gang raped by pool cues just to get a Tecate in that place! Which is why I now associate Tecate with good times. Me and pre-gentrification Silver Spring. Nowhere else in America has gang raping been so much fun.
Okay. I’m going to go start on the girlbutt articles.
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